what you don’t see

I fold into myself
bony elbows stabbing the soft flesh inside my knees

burying my hands in my dark hair,
I ball them into fists
my fingernails gouging half moons into my palms

salty rivulets burn streaks down my face
and splash onto the worn blue bathroom carpet

I gulp for air
in between the silent howls
that rack my body
and escape my trembling lips

Insistently, I press the heels of my hands
to my scalding eyes
seeking to dam the flow of water

My jagged breathing slows
I swallow hard

Spent and dizzy, I struggle to stand
Rinsing the evidence from my face
I steel myself for the outside world

prompt: This week I want you to conjure something. An object, a person, a feeling, a color, a season- whatever you like.
But don’t tell me what it is, conjure it.

Author’s Note: This was a scene from today, crystallized and conjured to let you in, to visualize what I look like when I’m in pain. It’s really scary to hit publish on this one, but it wanted to be written.

91 thoughts on “what you don’t see

  1. This is beautiful and haunting. You really did let me in to your pain and I can’t tell you how sorry I am this was you today. Giant hugs and love Frelle. I’m proud of you for hitting publish.

  2. Your words vividly conjured the anguish and frustration you felt at the time. I’m sorry that this was something you went through. Thank you for your honesty.

    • Thank you for your willingness to give it a quick look before I hit publish last night, and for coming to comment, too. I’m grateful for your words this morning.

    • Thank you for your sweet words and sharing that it’s relatable, and for coming to read and comment. I’ll be working to ensure it’s a better day :)

  3. Pain sucks. A lot. This was a little too close to home for me, it was so vivid. And that pressing the heel of your hands to your eyes to try to dam the tears? Perfect. I do that too!

    • Pain does suck. Thanks for letting me know that the pressing moment is something we share, and for coming to read and comment today.

    • Thank you, Galit, not only for coming by to read and comment, but for promoting my post as well. I’m always grateful for your words.

  4. This is so beautifully written. I could feel that pain eating and you, struggling to get out and then being forced back, erased. I’m glad you wrote it as a poem because it is so very well done, but I’m sorry it is a fresh pain. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thank you for telling me what you could see and sense, I love hearing what my writing evokes, how it makes the reader feel. I appreciate your sweet words and am grateful for your friendship, too.

  5. I love the part where you write about your elbows stabbing into your knees. I could picture this exact moment. So sorry something made you so upset, but I hope it helped to get it out in this way.

    • Thank you for reading and commenting, and letting me know that I drew a good word picture with that line. And for your words of comfort, too. It was cathartic to write, like I was hoping it would be.

  6. I hate that you felt that kind of pain today, this week, recently. I can feel it with you, that point where you must stem and leave that bathroom and return to the world that might not understand the tears. Please know I don’t want you to feel this pain for whatever reason. You are stronger than the hurt.

    the words here were so vivid, the work good….please feel better.

    • Thank you, Kir. I know it’s relatable. It’s just something I never share with anyone. It’s more about shame from the breaking down itself than it is about not wanting to appear weak to others, though. But sharing it here is a step in the direction of sharing it in person, and that’s got to come someday. I’ll make sure today is a better day. *HUG*

    • Thank you for your comment and for coming to read. I naturally gravitate toward free verse poetry, not sure why I find that the best way to vent emotion. Thanks for letting me know that fear came though. It was there with the anguish.

  7. You know when you see a prompt and say “oh, so and so is going to friggin nail this.”? Yeah that what I said to myself about you when I saw write on edge’s prompt.

    Wonderful imagery and very powerful language. I enjoyed all of the emotions you invoked.

    Great job

    • Thank you, Lance. I love that you thought that about me when you saw that prompt, that’s a great compliment. And thanks for the validation about my writing. Always grateful.

    • Thank you for reading and commenting. It does suck. But it won’t keep going like this. There will be strength and sunshine again. I have hope.

    • thank you for coming by to read and comment, and for finding redeptiveness in it. I love to hear what hits people and how words make them feel.

    • I sure hope I can make beauty from the pain. I try. I have to express it, and be creative and brave. I appreciate your words.

  8. We all have days like this. Most of us will never tell about it though. I have been there, felt that pain, stifled the cries, wiped the tears, and got up. Super human strength lies within. Kudos to you for writing in a way we could conjure up the image, pause for reflection, and especially for you to hit publish.

    • Thank you for reading and commenting, Dafeenah. I love when you come by. I know you understand deep pain, the kinship has been there since the first time we read each others blogs. Thank you for the validation and the encouragement.

    • Thank you, Renee! It was good to write. I didn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling that day, and this was the result of not talking.. creative expression. Thanks for the love and hugs :)

  9. I’m so sorry you have such pain in your heart. You have a great talent at expressing it so simply, yet perfectly. This is deeply emotive. I hope your mood/situation improves soon. Hugs. Shah. X

  10. I can’t imagine living with this pain…but your description conjured it up for me. I am sorry you live with this. Hoping you find relief from this.

  11. Heartrending. Haunting. Intense…and how is it that you’ve written pain in such a beautiful way? Superb. (and I hope this pain is a part of your past but if not I wish you well).

    • Thank you so much for coming to read and comment! I remember visiting your blog a while ago, and I had spotlighted your post on my old blog. So glad to have connected. And I appreciate your sweet words. Thank you.

  12. I am awed by your rawness and ability to put into words an emotion that tries to hold you captive. It is so scary to let others in, but hopefully you can see from all of these comments that you MATTER and that you are LOVED and SUPPORTED and APPRECIATED. I truly hope that tomorrow is a better day.

  13. This was beautifully written. It showed the pain and heart ache you went through. I’m so sorry this was your today. If you ever need to talk, please, I’m here.

    • Thank you so much for the compliment and for coming to read. I wanted to make something creative out of the pain, and Im grateful to know I was successful.

    • The writing was more cathartic than the crying. That release is never cathartic. Maybe my body and my stress level feel better, but my heart never does. Thank you for letting me know what you thought of the poem, I love when you come to read!

  14. Pingback: Mental Illness Awareness Week | Made More Beautiful

  15. Wow. Just wow. This reminds me of that quote about how writing is so easy…you just sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. This was raw, revealing, vulnerable. Beautifully written, even as it tore my heart out. I’m so sorry about the emotions that led to these words.

    This part:

    my fingernails gouging half moons into my palms

    So vivid. I could almost feel my own fingernails gouging into my palms.

    Incredible writing, really. Thanks for linking up!

  16. Pingback: Welcome Post For Blissdom | Made More Beautiful

  17. Pingback: Tuesday Tunes : Alpha Rev | Made More Beautiful

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>